Everybody Wants To Be Like Jed

by Various Artists

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about

A tribute album featuring 20 artists covering JD tunes.

credits

released 12 October 1999

Executive Producer: Neal Buccino
Compilation produced by Seth Diamond
Cover art by Pete Bagge

All songs written by Jed Davis, published by Eschatonality/ASCAP, except "Everybody Wants To Be Like Jed" (words and music by A.P. Gaylord); "The Dildo Does Not Belong" (music by Jed Davis, words by Jed Davis and Rob Hill; Eschatonality/ASCAP); "Minotaur" (music by Jed Davis, words by Chris Hug; Eschatonality/ASCAP); and "Jed Davis" (words and music by Wesley Willis)

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Track Name: Wally - Everybody Wants To Be Like Jed
Nervous in my room, and I'm talkin' on the phone
And I'm tryin to get tickets to the new Jed show
And the woman there is nice, but she doesn't understand
That I just have to see him, I'm his number one fan
At least that's what my card says, that I made for me
I'm the Jed Davis Fan Club, and I want him to see
That I hang on all his music and every word he said
And I know that I want to be like Jed.

He makes all his music from his Saratoga Pad
And he broke all the rules in the grunge rock fad
I broke into his High School where he must've gotten laid
And it was worth it in my mind for the bail I paid
Just to see the cradle of the prodigal son
Whom everybody loved and must have loved everyone
He had to be so popular as all the kids said
They wanted to be like their best friend Jed.

Oh, I'd sell my soul if I could be like Jed
He is all the voices in my head
Entranced by what his music says to me
Let's all hail the King of Albany

I used to follow him around for days
And that restraining order's just a joke he plays
I send him gifts and cards and pants and flowers in the mail
I threw a bunch of jelly beans and ended up in jail
So I went to see his girlfriend and I painted on her door
That I knew him first and I love him more
And I knew as I spent Christmas on a prison cell bed
That Everybody Wants to be Like Jed.

He's my Buddha, He's Confucius
Blown by Krishna - spouting genius forms of hard to see poetry,
He cut his teeth on Tolstoy for me.

I'm nervous in my room and the phone's still in my hand
And this bitch better give a fucking ticket to this fan 'cause
Damn this hold music's making fruit loops out of me
With a simple chord progression and a stupid melody
It's offensive just to hear them in the presence of the King
They can't play guitar and this guy can barely sing
They should kneel before my god and, as they bow their head, say:
"Everybody Wants to be Like Jed."
Track Name: The Wednesdanes - Little Tumors
You've got seven little tumors on your ribcage
You've got a roommate who can't stand you 'cause you felt up his ex.
There's a girl who screwed you over eighteen months ago
And the only thing you want is her back.

You've got an open pack of cigarettes you can't touch
You've got best friends who you can't even talk to anymore.
There's a girl who screwed around with all your best friends, too
And the only thing you want is her back.

But from pain comes inspiration
And the portrait of Shakespeare on the wall stares in awe of you.

You've got a roommate who can use you to get back at his ex
You've got best friends who forgive you when they need something.
You've got seven little tumors and they're all benign
So it's okay to start smoking again.

Too bad you're boring as shit now
And breasts from eighteen months ago obscure the page in front of you
The blank white page in front of you
The empty blank that lies
Right in front of you.
Track Name: Backseat Mary - Now I Have A Job
In a suit at a desk in a daze at the end of an hour and a half and another twenty minutes of the screen orange screen on the screen watch it flicker spelling words fancy words what is fancy what are words where am I?

I am out of order
Sorry for the inconvenience
Be back soon
Thank God you're too cheap to replace me

I get up and it's dark I get home and it's even darker night is to morning is to morning is tonight I go to bed there's a buzzing by the bed and it gets me out of bed and it's dark and it's dark when I get home where am I?

I am out of order
Sorry for the inconvenience
Be back soon
Thank God you're too cheap to replace me

Once I had friends once I had fun once I had life once I had hope once I had hands once I had love once I had mind once I had time once I had me
Now I have a job.
Track Name: Sean Gould - Natural Selection
The blank in the black
In the hollows of her eyes
Betrays none of the pain
That she claims screams inside
And the white of her skin
Shakes off gene memory
She's reborn as the child
Of some hair dye and Brandon Lee.

Boo.

Go on then
Take your pills again
Darwin said
You should just drop dead.

The weak get eaten by the strong
And Anne Rice fears there's nothing wrong
With you a little evolution
Wouldn't fix
Mope some more beside the fire
Wish that you were a vampire
But you'll never be a vampire
'Cause they don't exist.

Sorry.

Go on then
Slit your wrists again
Darwin said
You should just drop dead.

Little goth, now don't be blue
Species change, and so will you
Soon enough you'll find
Black doesn't go with everything.
Track Name: Hello Oblivion - Cigarette
Warm coat pocket in the cold uptown
And I dig deep down
But my cigarettes are in
The little red box on a dresser in my room
As I spit into the gloom
Of a long afternoon
And this realization sparks a heart palpitation
With increased perspiration
Man, I hope it's not the big one
Sweating in the cold, and I though I was stronger
But I can't go on much longer
And I really need a cigarette I really need a cigarette

I'm jonesing.

I've got people to see
I've got battles to fight
I haven't had a cigarette
Since 10 last night
If I don't get one soon - this afternoon
I'll never get through it
It's a good way to quit
But a bad day to do it.

Warm coat pocket in the cold uptown
And I dig deep down
But my cigarettes are in
The little red box on a dresser in my room
As I spit into the gloom
Of a long afternoon
And this realization sparks a heart palpitation
With increased perspiration
Man, I hope it's not the big one
You're all a bunch of faggots
And you're all a bunch of sheep
And you're all a load of shit
And I really need a cigarette I really need a cigarette

I'm jonesing.

I've got people to see
I've got battles to fight
I haven't had a cigarette
Since 10 last night
If I don't get one soon - this afternoon
I'll never get through it
It's a good way to quit
But a bad day to do it.
Track Name: King Missile III - Step On Me
You keep your head down
And slip behind things
A silhouette with substance
A black hole tugging at me
And not even my gaze can escape your gravity.

You move in riddles
In opposite directions
You speak in silences
And look at everything but me
I'm a crack in the sidewalk that you have to step around.

Step on me
Oh what I would give just to be the ground you walk on
Step on me
I'm a break in the monotonous concrete gray
And if you just avoid me, I'm stepped on anyway.

I form ontologies
What's it like to be you?
I form cosmologies
What's it like to be with you?
And I look at you and I know you're everything I think you are.

You keep your head down
And slip behind things
A silhouette with substance
A black hole tugging at me
And not even my gaze can escape your gravity.

Step on me
Oh what I would give just to be the ground you walk on
Step on me
I'm a break in the monotonous concrete gray
And if you just avoid me, I'm stepped on anyway.
Track Name: Fustercluck - Magnetic North
There's a great big hole in the sky above the North Pole
Opened by a bullet that was fired from the Grassy Knoll
Ripped out wide by the spray of the brain
And the blood and the bone that was something Cobain

And the hole in the sky is a hole into Hell
D.B. Cooper jumped in and he fell and he fell
Now he rots in the silt 23 fathoms down
With a hundred unsinkable ships.

Swing it back and forth
Until we find magnetic north

Hollow Earth lit up by a tiny sun
The sun spins around at night - look up, I can prove it now -
Those are not stars, those are Chinese lights

There's a great big hole in the sky above the North Pole
Opened by a bullet that was fired from the Grassy Knoll
Like a mirror image of a crack in the equator
Full of arsenic, Hawaiian Punch and sewer alligators

And the hollow Earth is a ball of fire tonight
And the future is bright in this nuclear light
It shines like the Hope Diamond.

And the hollow Earth overflows with lemon drops
And we're jumping like bugs in a microwave
Dancing and twitching and why? Because we're supposed to.

Swing it back and forth
Until we find magnetic north
Track Name: Jay Cooker - What A Girl Wants (Is A Coke)
He gazes at her and makes her offers
Opens up his soul and pants and coffers
Tries to stain her teflon glance
He brags and winks and thinks he has a chance

She's so thirsty
All she really wants is a Coke.

He wants her to be his Eden
Boy, her ego digs the feeding
He thinks violins and flowers
Passion, lust and glowing summer hours.

She's so tired
All she really wants is some sleep.

Who will think of him at twilight?
Who will miss him when he's gone?
Who will think of him at twilight?
Who will miss him when he's gone?

She's so bored and
All she really wants is to watch T.V.

She's so bored and
All she really wants is someone else.

She's so thirsty
All she really wants is a Coke.

Who will think of him at twilight?
Who will miss him when he's gone?
Track Name: Jones Crusher with Jimmy Colletti - Ready For The World
In a coffee shop somewhere under Lark Street
I am sitting waiting, waiting for the next thing
Will she be a cool girl or another dumb idea?
I don't know, but when she comes, I'll be waiting right here.

And there are a million better places for both of us to be -
Tell me, when you're ready for the world,
Would you mind being seen with me?

Do you like it here, working under Lark Street?
Everyone's a hipster, everyone's a rock star
Everyone's a mover, everyone's a shaker
Everyone is everyone is everyone is everyone is...

And there are a million better places for both of us to be -
Tell me, when you're ready for the world,
Would you mind being seen with me?

In a coffee shop somewhere under Lark Street
I am sitting waiting, waiting for the next thing
Will she be a cool girl or another dumb idea?
I don't know, but when she comes, I'll be waiting right here.
Track Name: El Gwirma - Minotaur
There's a trap and I know it, and I'm really glad to know it
And there's nothing in the minotaur but tape and string
But in the middle is the end, and I've caught the end lit
And when I touch the beast, he'll eat the ring the lucky ring

I don't know where to take it, but I'm really glad to take it
And remember, if you start to rot then breathe real deep
So I started the maze, started this craze, sucked the tit, ruined my cant, started this rant
Listen, run, then leap.

I don't know why you love me, why you try to trite to do me
But there's nothing in the minotaur but tape and string
And I watch as you succeed, and my fingers touch to see
And I really want to be you as you open up and sing

There's a moral to my story and a method to my mink
And I know as you crow and my roe begins to glow
That I died so long ago that I'm starting to stink
Don't dismiss me, redress me, tie me up with a bow

'Cause I still breathe the same genius as you.
I'm the same genius as you
I'm the same genius as you, motherfucker
I'm the same genius as you.

Just remember, don't dismember all the care I take
This isn't whimsy or flimsy or my lucky ring
Now it seems I don't exist, I eat a funny cake
But there's nothing in the minotaur but tape and string

I could kill you in a second, don't ask me when I will
Just remember, don't dismember all the care I take
You used to understand me by adding to the mill
Now it seems I don't exist, and I eat a funny cake

There's nothing to this legend, where were you when it began?
Now every girl I sleep with goes with so and so and so
The minotaur eats the boy and vomits out the man
But there's nothing in the minotaur but tape - watch out below

Don't close your eyes
The same genius as you
I'm the same genius as you
I'm the same genius as you, motherfucker
I'm the same genius as you

Minotaurs eat boys and spit out men.
Track Name: TOE - Have You Got It Yet?
I'm just a flimsy cardboard cutout
Of the shadow of the shade
Of the vapor that I used to be
I need to get beeped tonight
So put on your business face
And fax yourself on over to me

What I'm trying to say
Just not in as many words or bleeps or Braille or buzzing bells or ringers dinging off the hook or I could ask you what you think of the clouds and the moon shining though it's afternoon blah blah and have you got it yet?
(I can't say it...have you got it...have you got it yet?)
(Every time I open my mouth, it seems like a weather report comes out)

Just like Monets, all haze
Greens and reds, they say
Say it with flowers - oh, how I
Would love to send them all
Just wait for a dial tone
Smooth operator standing by

What I'm trying to say
Just not in as many words or bleeps or Braille or buzzing bells or ringers dinging off the hook or I could ask you what you think of the clouds and the moon shining though it's afternoon blah blah and have you got it yet?
(I can't say it...have you got it...have you got it yet?)
(Every time I open my mouth, it seems like a weather report comes out)

Have you got it yet?
Track Name: Echolab - Phreak
One key watches and one key hears
One key blinds you, one pops your ears

One key searches and one pulls strings
Strike the right key and touch all things

Phreak freely
Save us, please.

One key searches and one pulls strings
Strike the right key and touch all things
All things

I will not pay
I will not be caught
I will laugh forever
In a back room
In the ashes of the tangible
I control the credit cards and
I create the silverboxes
I know all the frequencies
And secret 1-800 numbers
I will not pay
I will not be caught
I will dial A-B-C-D
Crank call the president
I will not pay
I will not be caught
I will laugh forever
I will live forever
I will live forever ever
There is something
More powerful than anything
And I have it.
Track Name: Aaron Daniel Haber - The Shower
Worms eat shit and they never complain
All they ever ask for is a little bit of rain
Just a shower on their bodies, so squishy and round
To rinse off all the daylight and to soften the ground.

Little miss sunshine, do you hate the rain?
Tell me, what am I supposed to do?
Worms need water on their clammy skin
And I'm nothing but a worm to you.

Would you like to cut my head off?
Would you like to see me squirm?
Would you like to see me shrivel in the sun?
Well, I'm standing in the shower on a chilly afternoon
As I run out of hot water and my hands begin to prune...

A shower is a potent and mysterious thing
For no apparent reason it can move you to sing
When I'm standing in the shower I'm completely alone
I am securely protected from the door and the phone.

But somehow the curtain doesn't keep out the sun
A little light always gets in
And sooner or later I will have to step out
And another crappy day will begin.

Would you like to cut my head off?
Would you like to see me squirm?
Would you like to see me shrivel in the sun?
Well, I'm standing in the shower on a chilly afternoon
As I run out of hot water and my hands begin to prune...

I thought I had some privacy, I guess I was wrong
I thought I was alone, I should have known all along
You shine around the blackest cloud and slip through every crack
I try to shut you out, but you worm your way back

Little miss sunshine, do you hate the rain?
Tell me, what am I supposed to do?
Worms need water on their clammy skin
And I'm nothing but a worm to you.

Would you like to cut my head off?
Would you like to see me squirm?
Would you like to see me shrivel in the sun?
I could linger in the water, I could scrub and scrub all day
But I won't get any cleaner, and it won't wash you away.
Track Name: Brian Dewan - A Place Where No One Goes
You belong
On the far side of the mountains
In the gold
On the line of the horizon
You belong
In a place where no one goes.
Where no one goes

You belong
In an unfinished painting
Wrapped in plastic
Locked in a closet
You belong
In a place where no one goes.
Where no one goes

Drawing you in constellations
Scorched in the dirt of a cornfield
Pushing the phone into its cradle again
Again and again
And I'll never win
But neither will you.

Every look a domino and every sigh in stereo and
Maybes dress as hidden yesses every time you don't say no and
Anything's obsession when you can't quit cold and
Everything is muzak when your life's on hold now I
Stare at the ceiling and try to tune in
To echoes of something that won't come again
This is where you belong:
Sentenced to one night as me

You belong
On the floor in the corner
Reading this
Off an old sheet of paper
You belong
In a place where no one goes.
Where no one goes

Writing our names in the window steam
Measuring time in creamers and coffee rings
Slamming the door, getting on with our lives again
Again and again
And I'll never win
But neither will you.
Track Name: Magnum Adam with Start A Business - Two Left Shoes
You like comic books
I like comic books
I like Mr. Bungle
You like Mr. Bungle
Comic books and Mr. Bungle
On a Sunday afternoon

You like Kurver Kreme
I like Kurver Kreme
I like mini golf
You like mini golf
Kurver Kreme and mini golf
Save us both from a Monday night

But nobody said that life was fair
And two left shoes can never ever oh no.

You are all alone
I am all alone
I'm looking for someone
You're looking for someone
We are both looking for the same someone
And that someone is you

Nobody said that life was fair
And two left shoes can never be
(We wait for a fable
For the start of a story
That we heard long ago
To good not to come true)

Nobody said that life was fair
And two left shoes can never be a pair.
Track Name: A.P. Gaylord and Jake White - Stepping On My Shadow
I can see us in the setting sun
The sidewalks here go on and on
And now I walk them all alone
Looking for I don't know

Every pool of light I stumble through
Makes my insides burn with deja vu
But no streetlight shines bright as you
I'm stepping on my shadow.

We walked until this place was home
The sidewalks here go on and on
We'd float above them hand in hand and
Ignore the world below

But all I touch comes crashing down
Now I miss you as much as I hate this town
But I stop my feet from touching ground
By stepping on my shadow.

Where are you? Where are you tonight?
Where are you tonight?

Every car that passes sighs this song
And the sidewalks here go on and on
I could walk till I forget the words
But the melody will never go

I'm midnight cold and asphalt black
I'm empty as a sidewalk crack
And I keep you always at my back
I'm stepping on my shadow.
Track Name: The Feud - Happy Black Steamroller
Happy black steamroller
Happy black steamroller
Happy black steamroller
Crushed by the happy black steamroller
Track Name: Martly - I Wave To You
There will come a time
When I will sing this song for the last time
I had good things to say
So I called my friends and no one was home
And there will come a time
When I'll have good things to say for the last time
I hope that time is not this time
But what if it is?

I scream in mute euphoria
I shine in blind euphoria
I wave to you and go away
I run in dark paralysis

There will come a time
When I will think of you for the last time
I had some things to say
So I called my friends and no one was home
And there will come a time
When I will think of you for the last time
I know that time is not this time
But God, I wish it was.

I scream in mute euphoria
I shine in blind euphoria
I wave to you and go away
I run in dark paralysis

This shit shouldn't happen by telephone
And it shouldn't happen when you're in your house alone
It was a one minute to midnight Cuban missile crisis
Man, I played it wrong
But you had to call me up and call me on it
Now you're finally in a song

Just an inch from my hand, on the table sits
A little telephone receiver, see how it fits
Into its cradle on the table, but it lifts out so easily
I could pick it up and dial it
And fix everything that's wrong with me

I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't

All the lights are off, but I know it's there
It's nasty, black and shiny, greasy, flat and square
Just an inch from my fingers, stretching, lonely fingers
Reaching down and down
With a click, a tone, a ring, a ring, a click, I could be
Right back in your town

But this shit shouldn't happen by telephone
And it shouldn't happen when you're in your house alone
It was a one minute to midnight Cuban missile crisis
Man, I played it wrong
But you had to call me up and call me on it
Now you're finally in a song

I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't I will I won't

There will come a time
When I will sing this song for the last time
I had something to say
So I called you up, but no one was home
And there will come a time
When I will call you up for the last time
I wish that time was not this time
But man, I think it was.

I scream in mute euphoria
I shine in blind euphoria
I wave to you and go away
I run in dark paralysis

I wave to you and go away
I wave to you and go away
I wave to you and go away
I wave to you and go away.
Track Name: Wesley Willis - Jed Davis
You are my friend in the mix
You are my friend to the max
You have a friend in me
I like you a lot like instant whip

Jed Davis
Jed Davis
Jed Davis
Jed Davis

You have a friend in Jesus' name
You have a friend in Jesus Christ
You have a friend in the Holy Ghost
You have a friend in God's [indecipherable]

Jed Davis
Jed Davis
Jed Davis
Jed Davis

You are my friend to the end
You are my friend to eternity as I speak
You are my best buddy for years to come
You are my best friend for the next 64 years.

Jed Davis
Jed Davis
Jed Davis
Jed Davis

Rock over London, rock on Chicago
Kinko's: express yourself!
Track Name: Listen To This
Listen to this:
The words that ruined every Saturday night
For eight long years
(Eight long years)

You think he'd figure out after eight fucking years
The three fucking words that we don't want to hear

Somebody volunteer to drive tonight
Volunteer your house tonight
Keep us off the streets and away from
The stupid fucking car with the stupid fucking plates
Man, he still can't figure out why he don't get any dates
I hope he loses his license and wrecks that car
Ah, who am I kidding? He'd probably just drive anyway.

Somebody grow some balls and turn it off
Somebody make him turn it off
Tell him we're not really listening

I know the trick, the trick, I know the trick is
Keep him too happy and busy to think
Oh yeah, we're gonna have to find his ass a little skater betty
'Cause he writes more songs when he's not getting any

Somebody get him laid so he shuts up
I'd bribe my sister to shut him up
Take his motivation so he won't need
The words that ruined every Saturday night
For eight long years
(Eight long years)

Eight years of suffering under one lame rule:
The driver is always in charge of tunes
(Bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit)

Somebody break his legs so he can't drive
Break his hands so he can't write
Break his face so he can't say:
"Listen to this, listen to this
It's your new favorite song, bitch, it's rock and roll bliss."

And we never ever ever ever ever want to hear
Another Jed Davis song again.